


Hey, My Brain Is Weird

by LeSuperBooper



Category: Original Work
Genre: Accepting Myself, Feelings, Random Thought Dump, Sexuality, Sexuality Crisis, This Could Be Healthy For Me, mental health, self help, theorization
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:42:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25966816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeSuperBooper/pseuds/LeSuperBooper
Summary: This is me just figuring out something and laying myself bare. This isn’t something I feel comfortable disclosing to family and friends. People who don’t know my face or actual name possibly reading this makes me much more comfortable than dealing with stuff I’m not ready for.I’ll be talking and venting some of my thoughts.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 3





	1. Sadness Paranoia

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is literally my thought dump. AO3 is the only platform I feel comfortable posting this on. :)

I’m going to leap in headfirst. 

I have an issue, I think it more of a tendency I have. I don’t think this is that uncommon, to think my issues are original or unique would be to stroke an ego I simply do not care to have.

I read Reader Inserts as I’m able to project myself on to them and live vicariously through their written and planned lives. I can imagine facial features of fictional characters moving to words that have never left their lips.

If it’s a character with a VA, I can imagine the voice alongside my thought up scenario.

I, like many a men, ladies and lovelies on this platform, have a craving for angst. The heavy shit that makes you want to cry. 

I take to reading a story with heavy themes I can’t relate to and I imagine myself with their feelings. I then create another scenario based on those feelings and what I know of my own character.

A bit morbid that my fictional self dies a lot.

So I cry. I fully admit to being scared to die, I haven’t even had my first job yet. I cry because I then place my self so I can feel the grief my fictional friends or family would feel.


	2. Yay, I’m Following My Tags

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, I’m pansexual.

I’m pansexual. At least I believe I am.

None of my family know yet, besides my youngest but still older brother, and I’m terrified to come out. 

My dad doesn’t support the LGBTQ+ movement, but he isn’t homophobic either. He’s literally buds with a super gay 60+ year old man. It’s kind of funny. My mom doesn’t support the movement either, but she has old friends who are homosexual and some of her family is gay, some are trans as well. 

I’m scared of what my siblings will think for the most part, me wanting to date people of any gender or preference. My oldest sister doesn’t believe in bisexuality, my guess is that belief jumps over to pansexuality as well. She thinks it’s one or the other and that choosing both is a cop out.

My oldest brothers make me confused. One “seems” against homosexuality and the likes, but I think he’s actually fine with it and just makes vulgar jokes to reinforce his masculinity. My other brother’s brother-in-law is 100% gay so I think he’s fine with it. 

My issue is that both my oldest brothers are extremely proud of me and brag about their “smart little sister!” all the time. I’m scared of disappointing them.

All my friends know that I’m pan, but I think they take sexuality way too far. One time on the bus, I heard people I know, one of them also pan, berating some straight guy because he didn’t support LGBTQ+. Honestly, I don’t think I do that much either. 

My family didn’t really sway my sexuality, I didn’t personally know any lgbtq people, but they did subconsciously affect how I perceive sexuality and gender.

I don’t like telling people I know I’m pan right off the bat, I let them ask first or I let it come up in conversation. I feel like the LGBTQ+ community throws it in your face, but I guess that’s the point. They’re loud and proud, I suppose I just like being quiet and proud.

I do love the ideas of the movement though, and I adore the people who support it. Like drag queens and my fellow Asian gays are my favourite type of people. I like the idea of being proud of who you are, but sometimes I feel as if some are letting their sexuality rule over the rest of their lives. I don’t use pansexual as one of my main traits or descriptors, but some do. That’s perfectly fine though, just not my cup of tea.

I’ve had classmates be surprised about the fact I’m pan, I have a close friend who’s loud and proud about the fact she’s pan.

While I’ve had great experiences with coming out to my friends and people my age, I’ve also had a bad one. 

I came out to one of my best friends in like Grade 4, she told me she was pan as well. I was excited because I thought I wasn’t alone in my choice and that we had bonded in that moment.

I thought she was pansexual until well into 5th Grade. One of the guys was reacting to my sexuality or was joking about it and I mentioned that my friend was pan as well. She turned to me and denied it. I brought up her telling me she was pan in 4th Grade.

Turns out she thought it would be a hilarious joke to tell me she was pan and have me believe it for a whole fucking year.

Understandably, I was distraught. I thought I wasn’t alone, no one else I knew had ever mentioned liking the same gender or people who switched or didn’t have one. I thought I was alone and I decided not to speak up for while.

There was this one girl throughout elementary, one of my best friends currently, everyone had bullied or ignored her since kindergarten. It was fucked up.

I ignored her for the most part, I believed some of the bullshit some of my friends would fabricate about her and had decided I wanted nothing to do with her. A favourite rumour was that her mom was a total slut, I mean she is but at least she’s a classy slut.

One of the girls in particular, let’s call her Ashley, was incredibly toxic and lied about her all the time. I cut that girl out of my life in high school real quick.

I hated her for no real reason until one day in Grade 6. We went on some special field trip that was exclusive and only for a group of kids that donated to this fundraiser. Only like 3 people from my class went. Her, some guy neither of us talked to and me. 

Her and I sat together on the bus and talked for hours. We joked and talked crap about the littlest of things and I knew by the end of the day that I regretted the last several years of my life because I for some reason decided to cut her out of it. 

Her and I are now pansexual buddies. She helps me not feel alone or awkward in our friend group and I love her fabulous ass for it. 

She’s trying to help me come out bit by bit.


End file.
